Day One
Well, I did it. I signed up for one of those online dating sites. You know the one - cheesy commercials and claims of scientific matching procedures. "Daniel and Amanda were matched on this date, engaged on this date, and ohmygosh married on this date!"
Not that I was looking to hop on the Express Train to Matrimony, but I figured, "What the hell?" Mid-twenties, single for... well, a long time, and not even a casual distraction on the horizon. So why not? No real hopes hung on it, but since someone I know is doing it, I thought it'd be interesting.
So I caught a "special pricing" deal, and I sat back and waited. Vaguely anxious, vaguely scared, vaguely excited. No matches before I went to bed, but hey - it's only been a couple of hours.
Day Two
Check my e-mail - no notification. But hey, maybe it got filtered to Spam and I missed it. So I sign on to the site, expecting to see maybe one or two "flexible" matches - the kind that aren't quite exact, but not way off, you know?
Nothing. Nada. Bupkis.
It's only been a day, though. Gotta give it some time. Anyways, I have work to do.
Day Three
Morning started off busy at work and I wasn't able to check my e-mail until the evening. I open my inbox and...!!!
Nothing. So I go onto the site, check for new matches - of course there are none. Check my settings, make sure that I've set my profile to active and my matching to on.
Yes and yes. Still nothing. It's getting late so I hit the hay, but I am sure tomorrow there'll be something. Still don't really care too much, but it's getting kind of funny.
Day Four
No freaking e-mail!
No matches on the site!
Work is busy, so I dive in and forget about dating for the rest of the day.
Day Five
Again, some computer issues at work. Can't check my e-mail until I get home.
... Nothing. Surely there must be at least some flexible matches by now! Sure, I got in on a special, but this is still costing me money.
Sign in to the site and see my favourite message, ever.
"We're sorry, we can not match you at this time. But we have oodles of people joining every day, and 300 or so people are getting married EVERY DAY as a direct result of our amazing service. Hopefully the preceding sentence doesn't make you even more discouraged about us being unable to match you right now. You can't possibly be as undesirable as all that. Chin up, kid - try again tomorrow!"
Or something along those lines. Alright. Bed time.
Day Six
I'm cranky. Not impressed with some of my coworkers, but it's Friday! So who cares?
Plus, I have an army of scientists working on matching me with my soulmate, right? (Hahaha) Check my e-mail and am resigned to the absence of any new matches. Is it even worth it at this point to go to the site? Well, you know I'm going to.
No new matches. That message:
"We're sorry blah blah blah. You might be unmatchable but don't give up yet! We're going to drag out the process a little longer. No, still no flexible matches. Can we interest you in this free newsletter about cats and a complimentary Rod Stewart CD?"
Hrmmm...
Day Seven - One Full Week Paid For
Ahh... the weekend! All my friends are out with their spouses or partners, enjoying the end of summer. I go to the market with my mom, then check my e-mail.
Moments before throwing the computer through the window after seeing "No new e-mails" I think, "But wait! What if...?"
So of course I check the site... Not a single goddamn thing.
"We're sorry. It appears that you are less matchable than any person we've encountered previously. We are determined to find you a match, however, so please try again tomorrow. Accept this e-bouquet as an expression of our condolences for the passing of your dignity. We understand your self-confidence is nearing death throes as well. Our sympathy."
At this point, my response ise "Screw it. Cancel the subscription." Ah, but I have no option to - until my final payment has been processed, because of the special pricing I took advantage of. Awesome.
Had I been paying full price and really - honestly and truly - interested in the whole process, I'd have lost $15 by this point and been really cranky. Luckily I'm only $5 in the hole right now. But I do have to pay the next two installments before I can cancel.
Which is, of course, complete and utter bullshit.
It's like going to a dealership, taking advantage of Employee Pricing, and then being told there are no cars available. But, you know, hang out in the lot until you finish the payments you selected, and maybe you'll be able to leave with your own new car.
Maybe not, though. No guarantees.
I'm not looking for a guarantee of a 69 Charger with a Hemi and all-leather interior. But at least amuse me with a K-Car in the meantime, right? I've already paid, and was promised a vehicle.
There's not even a bicycle that you can give me while you're searching for my dream car?
Time for bed. Life's too short to feel slighted by an online dating service - especially when you weren't exactly aching to join in the first place... Right?
RIGHT?!?!
Day Eight - Today
I was a bit rushed when I woke up this morning - didn't leave myself much time to get ready for the Sunday morning ritual of cappuccino with the folks. But I did have some time to check my e-mail. Of course!
What's this?!?! An e-mail from the dating site!!
"Thank you for editing your About Me information. Your account has been re-enabled to receive new matches. Please allow 24 hours for this to take effect.
Please be aware that adding personal contact info, website URL’s, or inappropriate language in your About Me is a direct violation of the terms of service you accepted by becoming a member of this site. Future violations of our Terms and Conditions of Service may result in account closure."
... Uhm. What? I haven't changed my "About Me" except to add my work title. ... So I respond.
"I do not - nor did I previously - have any of the below items in my "About Me." I sent an e-mail last night stating that I wished to have my account closed, and that I was unimpressed that the Terms and Conditions on the website provide step-by-step instructions that start with clicking a link that is not on my Account Settings. I can not turn off auto-renew, nor can I cancel my subscription.
There were no items that were against the Terms and Conditions in my profile. I sincerely hope this e-mail has been sent to an incorrect account. In any case, I would like to close my account."
But it likely won't work, as the Terms and Conditions - once you get past the "step-by-step" instructions that require access to a link that is just not available for me - clearly state that I can not cancel my subscription or close my account without fulfilling the remainder of the contract.
Alright, fine.
Do you know what this means? This means that I have another three months (just about) of giving my perspective on the whole "online dating" thing. I could sit at home and feel devastated that I am apparently more undesirable - more unmatchable - than some guy who has put his career as "free thinker," but that's just not my style!
My style is to laugh at the whole situation and foist it upon those of you who (unwillingly) read my blog.
Hold on to your hats. This should be a good'er.
